


Tomorrow May Never Come

by deemmmvee



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, FemShep - Freeform, Guilt, Healing, Kaidan Alenko - Freeform, Kaidan/femShep, Mass Effect 1, One Shot, PTSD, Shenko - Freeform, True Love, sex scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:34:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26859046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deemmmvee/pseuds/deemmmvee
Summary: Shepard can’t get the voices of those she’s failed out of her head. When she goes into the mess hall to drink her pain away, someone she didn’t expect to see finds her and eases her pain in other ways...
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Kudos: 24
Collections: Mass Effect





	Tomorrow May Never Come

Shep woke in a bed of cold sweat in the middle of the night.

Her hands were clutching the sheets, tightly wrapped up in her knuckles. Then, once she gained full consciousness; she clutched at her chest, her throat. She couldn’t breathe.

Voices rang through her head like a bad song. Chiming and taunting and ringing mercilessly.

She sat up, gripping her head, her hair. Squeezing, rubbing just trying to make her head stop pounding to the point where she’d rather blast it open with the pistol she keeps just under the bed.

She threw the sheets off her, she needed out.  
She staggered, half asleep out from her cabin and down into the elevator towards the mess.

Barefoot, she tiptoed towards the icebox. She knew of the bottle that sat hidden there behind the frozen goods. She grabbed that and the first bagged snack she could find. 

She looked at the chairs tucked neatly into the tables but opted for the the smooth, cold floor instead. She plopped, bringing her attention to the bottle first. 

She uncapped and didn’t think twice about a glass as the cool liquid burned languidly down the entirety of her throat forming a ball of warmth at the apex of her core.

She was so cold inside.

Alcohol was the only thing to solve both her problems; the cold and the voices.

She could escape for just a moment before her drunken stupor reminded her of just how guilty trying to forget, truly made her. 

She hated herself.

How could she ever forget, all of those people that she failed to save?

She hated the desire she had inside, the idea of making herself forget for even just a moment.

She took another sip; hoping it would numb her mind, numb her senses, but it wasn’t strong enough this time.  
It never was to begin with.

She felt a half sip of the hot whisky jerk back up her throat as the sob she didn’t expect flew from her mouth. Her eyes watered as she cried at the mess she’d let herself become. 

Then before she knew it, two strong hands wrapped themselves around her.

She was warm, finally warm.

“Hey, hey, hey -shhhhh. It’s okay, Shep. C’mon.”

The arms lifted her up into a ball, like a small child tucked delicately into a warm soft slate of hard muscles. Shep continued to cry into the fabric stretched around this barrier, taking in the strong scent of pine, cotton, sandalwood.

Kaidan.

He didn’t say a word as he carried her. He just, let her get it out.

He brought her back into her room, gently placing her back in her bed and tucking them both in.

He curled up around her, keeping his arms locked protectively under her shoulder and over her torso.  
Keeping her sane, keeping her grounded, and letting her know that she’s safe; even from herself.

She felt his tapered breath just inches from her ear. Little lingering wisps of air that brushed her hair against her neck.

His heart was racing. This was his Commander. This, by all means, should be wrong. Yet, here they lie.

After countless moments of her trying to regain her composure she leveled herself, bringing her hard as nails persona back into their reality.

“You shouldn’t be here, Alenko.”

She could feel him try not to smile and she hated that she could feel his mannerisms without having to look.

“Couldn’t sleep, got up to get a snack but… to my surprise I found you instead.”

She sighed in frustration. “I’m fine, go back to your bunk, Lieutenant.”

His grip got tighter, “With all due respect, ma’am, I think I’m needed more right where I am.”

She gripped his arm tightly before he could react, somehow maneuvering herself out from his hold and pinning herself on top of him in turn.

“Kaidan, I’m fine. Go back to your bunk.”

They were locked, eye to eye. Their noses almost connected at the tips. They were inhaling each other for only a moment when his mouth curved slowly into a challenging smirk.

“Is that an order?”

She could feel exactly what he was thinking, and again, she hated that she knew what it was without having to look down; at his pants this time.

“Kaidan. You don’t want to do this.”

His gaze softened now, “Commander, I think we’ve both known about what I wanted since the day we met. You can’t tell me…” 

She didn’t realize her grip on his wrist lightened until she felt his hand graze her bare thigh. She shivered at the unexpected touch. She clenched her eyes shut to the tears she fought so hard to keep inside.

“I don’t deserve you, Kaidan.”

She refused to look at him. She knew it in what little heart she had left to be true. Kaidan was everything she sacrificed to become who she was now. He, was pure. A true soldier with empathy, regret, a heart that weighed heavy on every move he made. He confided in her about the girl he once loved; and what he did to tarnish it. That never left him… and he made certain that death was the only mistake he’d ever make.

Shepard… she couldn’t keep count of the lives she carelessly let slip through her fingers over the years. The amount of times her comrades assured her, “There was nothing she could have done.” 

But she had heard that enough times to know, that was no longer true. 

That and the fact that it kept happening, people always dropped around her command yet she kept receiving praise. And she tried actively to forget them, to selfishly make herself feel better. When she knew, their suffering was forever her curse to bear, her lifelong torment.  
She should have been the one to die, not them. She carries that truth with her, every day. But… instead of the fate she deserves, she gets medals and recognition of honor, promotions, the title of first human Spectre. 

All while knowing, she doesn’t truly deserve it.

For what reason, do these people still hold her value to such a high degree? She can’t comprehend it… it should be Kaidan. The voices remind her of that everyday.  
When she felt his hand, touch her cheek, she almost lost control again.

“Please, look at me.”

For a moment, she shook her head. His thumb circled her cheek just at the corner of her eye, coaxing her.

Convincing her.

Then she opened to him.

She looked into the eyes of the most honorable and truly good man, she’d ever known.

They crackled with blue over a slate of gold, intense. 

As if he were looking directly into a vision of his future. A future filled with happiness and light and everything he deserved.

It broke her heart even more, knowing that wasn’t the case.

“Please.”

He took her hand, and placed it on his chest. Right over his heart. His fingers crossed over hers, memorizing how it felt beneath his fingertips. Then his hand grazed past hers and reached down to the hem of his tank. 

He gripped the edge, yanking it upwards and over his head. Baring his torso. Her hand resumed at the place above his heart, feeling the heat of his skin, electrifying her own. 

She traced every groove, bump, hair, and scar she could find. Placing featherlight kisses over the scars, with barely a graze of her lips. 

He moaned each time, relishing the reality of her lips on him, memorizing every second, and enveloping himself in the pure ecstasy of her returning the love he has held so close to him since she stepped foot on this ship. 

When she could no longer bear it, she yanked her own tank over her head. Baring only her chest to him as well. For a moment, neither one of them moved. 

They just studied, and captured the moment in their minds. They could be grounded for this, should it go any further. Both of their careers, gone. Fraternization. Everything they both worked so hard to achieve; all for nothing. 

But was this just nothing?

Was this connection, was it worth more? They both had an answer to this question lingering in their minds for that small moment. And both, made their decision without even a second thought. 

His hands came to her waist as he sat up, kissing her belly lavishly as she did his. Focusing on the scars left from years of battle and heartache. His lips touch seemed to wash all of that pain away in an instant. 

She clamped her fingers into his hair as he worked his way upwards, towards her. Their eyes finally locked again, as their lips finally collided. The taste of whiskey and salt took over as their tongues danced around each other. The taste was heavenly and raw and savory. He bit delicately into the meat of her lower lip, resulting in a low moan emanating from her chest. She yanked his hair back, bringing his face towards hers.

She whispered so lightly he could just barely hear, “I need to take off your pants now.” 

He nodded and she pushed him back into the bed. She straddled him as she undid the laces and yanked down the two barriers of soft cotton material.

There he was, completely bare to her. It was embarrassing but she had to look for a beat longer than was necessary. 

Kaidan chuckled, “Is that a form of approval or disappointment?” 

She snapped out of it, “I’m sorry it’s…” 

She cleared her throat at the sight and he threw his head back in amusement. She sat back on her heels over him.  
“It’s just… I can’t remember the last time…”

Kaidan lifted his head again, “C’mere.” 

He reached a hand out to her, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her under and rolling so that their positions switched. He loomed over her and placed a gingerly soft kiss at the tip of her nose. 

“Let me take care of you, for once.”

She kept her eyes on him as he crawled back. His fingers curled under the band of her shorts and her panties. In one motion, they were on the floor in the darkness of the room. His calloused hands gripped under the crooks of her knees and pushed apart. He lifted her, pulling her down the bed and closer to where he needed her. She never kept her eyes off him, even as he flashed that sly smirk of his before he lowered his head.

Then, all she could see were blue flames of starburst behind her eyes. 

Was he using his biotics? 

His tongue was electric over her bud as he sucked and licked and lapped. Kaidan didn’t care how much of a mess his tongue and her lips left behind, he only cared about the sounds and the reactions coming from her body. He’d never seen this woman lose control or give in. And right now, she was doing both… because of him.

He could make her like this, it was the only thing he could do to help her, to ease her pain. To take that weight from her for however little time that may be. He wanted to do this for her. He’d watch this woman, night and day take on every burden, every cry, every criticism without so much as a flinch or moment of hesitation. He’d watch her dance on the edge of living only to come back fighting stronger. He’d loved her, this unbeatable warrior, not because of her power. Not because she was a God in everyone else’s eye for doing the impossible.

He loved her, because he saw the woman behind it all. He saw the humanity within her and he knew from that first sight of her, that she put on the face for everyone else’s sake; to ease their minds. Even if that meant sacrificing her own safety, her sanity. She was a God, but not for the reasons everyone thought.

He let her ride out wave after wave of pleasure until her body subsided and sunk into the bed. Her chest, her panting, the only sign that she hadn’t died from the pure sensation alone. He licked his lips of them both. He crawled back up, placing more feather light kisses over her sweat covered body. Her salty tang was a flavor he could definitely get used to. He was over her, looking at the features of her face now. Her eyes glossy, not from tears, but from the feeling of finally being able to relax. Her lips, the corners finally upturned into a gentle smile.

“Wow, don’t boost my ego too much, Shep. I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing you blush before.”

With that remark, a glimpse of the warrior flashed past her eyes. “Don’t test me, Kaidan. I could make this unbearable for you.” 

Kaidan smirked, “I may be a madman but I wholeheartedly accept that challenge, Commander. No remorse or regrets here.” 

She grabbed for his neck again and kissed him deeply before letting him go.

“I’m already making plans for you to have full access to my quarters, just so you can do that again.” 

Kaidan laughed deeply at that one, “Commander, you can have me under your thumb whenever you’d like. Or in this case, would it be under my thumb?” 

She rolled her eyes, “Now's not the time to play cute, Alenko. I still have a need here.” 

He curled an arm under the arch of her back, lifting her ass up off the bed. “Aye aye, Commander.”

Without breaking eye contact, he placed his tip just there at her entrance. She panted softly at the contact, not aware of the tiny nod her head was making as he slowly entered her. Her mouth grew wider and wider into a rounded oval with every inch and he covered it with his lips, swallowing her moans.

He locked her body against his, keeping his one arm at the crook of her back and one tucked under her arm, using that hand to cradle her head at her crown. She kept her hands on his back, on his scalp; scraping and scratching as he pumped vigorously into her. 

Her sounds created a vibration between them that only aroused him further. Each time she exclaimed his name in pure ecstasy he thought he’d lose himself in her but he kept his focus on holding out for as long as he could. 

He wanted this piece of forever to last well into an eternity of bliss for them both. He wanted this for as long as he could have it, to capture it all in his mind and to never let it go. He wanted this sight of her like this, forever. However he could have it. He’d pictured a white picket fence, her barefoot and pregnant with his child growing inside of her and knowing of how he’d put it there. 

He loved this woman, more than she’d ever know. 

And it ruined him, knowing they could never have that future together; not in this lifetime. Not them, being who they were. The fight, it would never be over; for either of them. And though they’d never say it out loud, it was an unspoken truth for them both. 

When he no longer has the strength to hold on, he whispers to her. “I’m close.” 

She smiles and nicks his ear softly between her teeth before replying, “Don’t stop.” 

He kisses her roughly, pushing her back onto the pillows beneath her. He balls his fists into the sheets on either side of her head as he pumps into her with all of his strength, never taking his eyes off her. 

He can see on her face that she’s right there with him; both reaching the peak of their pleasure; forming the breaking point between them. 

They’re tired and panting and wet with the aftermath, but neither one cares. They remain wrapped up in one another falling in and out of sleep for the remainder of the night. 

Kaidan doesn’t know what time it is when he regains himself but he stirs to find an empty bed. He lifts his head in urgency to find her, when his eyes lock onto hers. 

She’s already showered and dressed in her regs, ready to man the helm of the ship once more. Unphased, stoic as always. 

She puts on more than that uniform each day, he sees that.

The image of her sobbing into a bottle last night breaks his heart once more. 

At least she had one night, one night of forgetting. One night...

“Shepard, I…” 

Joker’s voice cuts through the room at that moment, propelling them both back into their inevitable reality.

“Bridge to Commander Shepard. We’re five minutes out from the Mu Relay.”

She turns to him, “You’re a sweetheart, Kaidan.” 

He sits up, back straight and hardened but with soft eyes on her, “Joker’s waiting for you on the bridge… but I swear though, if anything happens to you…” 

She walks over to him, just for a moment. She gives him one last kiss, a thank you. A goodbye.

A glimmer of hope for their future; or their death sentence.

He closes his eyes as she walks away, “Take care, Shepard.” 

And just as soon as he had her, she was gone. 

He crumbles back onto the bed and prays that she comes back to him. He knows that he can’t lose her now; that if he did, he’d only follow her into the death she keeps chasing. He knows now, and for every lifetime that follows, he can never lose her; or her him.


End file.
